Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer – WTF did I just watch? (NSFW & 18+ only)

 

DISCLAIMER: This is a rant. If you don’t like bitching and cussing or are in any way easily offended, you might want to stop reading now. Like most of my website/blog, this isn’t safe for work, and it’s not appropriate for anyone under eighteen years old. Also, if you’ve never seen Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer – SPOILER ALERT.

Hello Dear Readers,

As you know it’s the most wonderful time of the year. All around me I see people getting into the spirit of Christmas. Many of my neighbors have their houses decorated up and looking as if they live in a magical holiday wonderland (Naughty me–I haven’t done squat yet. Maybe I need a spanking.). I’m sure I along with the rest of the family will get to it sometime before Santa gets here. Oh, who am I kidding? I’m sure my husband and kids will do it at some point. One thing my family does every year to get in the spirit is watching Christmas movies. It’s sort of a tradition to break out the DVDs and watch them all over and over again until we get sick of them. Finding one on streaming is a bonus, and if one comes on TV, that’s even better. With that being the case, I’d already seen Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer once this season before it aired. As a child, I loved it, but this time around, the story struck me a whole different way. Maybe I was sleep walking or texting through most of the story for all the years in between, but this season when I sat back and seriously watched the movie all the way from start to finish, a shit ton of things hit me over the head with a brick and gave me a not so cheery feeling.

So last night the movie aired on TV, and I watched it again, processing everything a bit more, and all I can say is what the fuck? Why is everyone so mean? Even Santa’s a dick. Poor Rudolph is just a kid when Santa tells him he’ll never make his team with that nose. Nice way to encourage the little ones, Chris Kringle. When no backbone Donner tells his son to hide his nose, I couldn’t get the words from Tori Spelling’s book out of my head.

Tori: Mom, am I pretty?

Mom: You will be when we get your nose fixed.

Or something similar…It’s been awhile since I read Stori Telling.

Moving right along, we have the head elf telling Hermie how much he sucks for not wanting to make toys. Oh, come on! Let Hermie be a dentist. That’s why your breath stinks, Head Elf. Coach Comet encourages all the other reindeers to bully and exclude Rudolph. Nice educational standards at the North Pole. As the parent of a spectrum child, this one really got me. I can very sadly attest that kind of shit still happens in schools more often than you might imagine. An assload of jerks, and those are the good guys! The Big Bad of the story hasn’t even been introduced yet. No wonder Rudolph and Hermie run away.

Other WTF stuff I noticed:

Santa just busts on up into the Donner cave without calling ahead or even calling out to ask permission. He has no manners.

The elves work hard on a song for Santa, and he tells them it sucks. Then he grumbles at his wife and waves her off. Where’s the jolly mofo we keep hearing about?

Yukon Cornelius has a bunch of puppies pulling his sled, and he snaps a whip at them. Maybe not a big deal to some people, but I didn’t like it.

All the male elves were bald except for Hermie who has a luxurious blond mane like all the girl elves. What exactly were the writers trying to imply? Vulture has some ideas: The Gay Subtext of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Grand Master Yukon C  also has a gun the whole time the Abominable Snowman has Rudolph seconds away from his mouth. Now obviously I don’t want him to pull it out and shoot the monster in the head—this is a kids’ show after all. But Chekhov’s Gun much?

Hermie removes all of the snow monster’s teeth with no pain meds. Huh? Maybe the passing thought above might have been more humane.

And finally, that damned king of the misfit toys is a shit bird. Rudolph asks if he can stay. The king basically tells him to fuck right off back home. :/

Okay, so that pretty much wraps up the ranting portion of this entry. If I missed something that drove you nuts, feel free to list it in the comments.

If you want a grown-up, sexy Christmas story where it’s okay to be different, please check out Horse Mountain Heat (Formally Bareback Christmas when Ellora’s Cave Publishing owned the rights). It’s less than a buck (heh – unintended reindeer pun) on Amazon.

I also have another Christmas story coming out on December 12th, so please be on the lookout for Crystal Coast Christmas.

Thanks for reading!

xoxo – Sierra

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